my goal for the summer

is to get a decent natural tan. I dont want to be really tan, I just want to not be the whitest person I know. I'm not going to go lay out, but I want to be outside enough in the daytime to get one.

Copying from Wes, like usual

I thought it was a pretty great idea when I read what Wes had typed out, and then I saw Laura copied so I thought I'd do the same.

My first girlfriend was Teresa Nadolski. We met sometime in Freshman year. I'm horrible with dates and times honestly, but we dated for about three months, I believe over the summer of my Freshman year heading into Sophomore year. I thought she  was cute, and she was quirky. She still acted like a child about a lot of things, but in the good way. Getting excited over little things. I'm attracted to those who are young a heart, and don't need to act grown up to make themselves feel more mature. It ended when Brian Stoner kept texting me saying he was a new kid in school and was triyng to hook up with her. I confronted her about it, and it just kinda fell apart. I'm not sure who broke up with who, but that doesn't mean it was mutual. I'm just too old to remember now. We became friends afterwards, and after some short lived mostly physical reattempts later in life, we never worked out again, but remain on good terms. We rarely talk now.

Then Kailyn Webb, and I may not even be spelling her name right. Thats how far apart we are now, haha. I really don't even remember how or when we met, but we dated during my Jr. year for about 3 or 4 months. I think we had a science class together, and maybe thats how we met, or maybe it was before. Again, I suck at this. I quit my job at the West Frankfort DQ and she got me hired at the Benton DQ where she worked. I liked working there alot more. Our relationship was never really that deep, atleast not for me. She had a close knit group of friends, most all of whom were girls, obviously, but I enjoyed hanging out with them, they were all hilarious and huge characters in some way. I really enjoyed hanging out in the group more than I did being alone with her. I'm dont think I did then, and I'm sure I dont now even find her attractive. She had a tongue ring, which was strange. She was also bigger than me in every way. She gave me my first blowjob, that was cool. We had sex, if thats what you want to call it. Which is a long and comically embarrassing story. Those of you who know it, have a chuckle, those who don't be jealous of those who do, cause its funny as fuck. She had an ex boyfriend who kept texting her and trying to get back with her. She would talk to him constantly even when she was with me. I finally had enough of it, and I don't really remember what our final argument was about, but I broke up with her over texts and we were she was angerly texting me and I was not giving a fuck back. It was near prom time, and by the next day I had a date to West Frankfort's prom [Teresa Nadolski] and Pickneyville's prom [Emily Ryterski]. Then Kailyn said I was horrible and liked Teresa the whole time and some nonsense that she made up. It ended rockily, and we don't talk at all. 

Then came Sierra Dotson. I had a crush on her friend Danielle, and started hanging out with that group of friends. For a long stage in my life I would wander from friend group to friend group, since I didnt have much of a niche in my class for friends. In hanging out with Danielle and her friends I met Sierra. She was dating Wes Romack, who at the time I didn't know at all. We met sometime around the summer going into my Senior year. Danielle acted like she liked me and wanted to date and when it came down to it she said that she really didn't and just liked the fact that someone liked her. Fail. So in complaining about my state to Sierra she exclaimed that if I would only notice her and she didn't have Wes I would have someone. I didn't really know how to react, but I did as I do and flirted. When I'm single I can't help but flirt with everything with 2 legs and no dick. We grew closer and Wes saw it and broke it off with her at some LAN party at the old elementary school. We started dating not too long after, but I don't remember the exact period of time. We dated for around 9 months. At one point she broke up with me and I really dont remember the reason, and I'm not sure if it was ever clear to me in the first place. Until that we were great together, as far as I was concerned. We had tons of fun, a really tight knit  group of friends all was well. My best friend Durf was dating her best friend Sam. Sierra eventually decided that she wanted me back, and it was decided for me that I was going to reask her out. I think when we broke up and I still had that new untarnished love I said something about if she ever wanted me back to tell me and I'd take her or something. Well we still hung out and she finally told me she was ready for me to reask her. We were in Mcdonalds in some other city, I think Herrin. I was left awkwardly by the legos. She wanted me to write out asking her out in legos. I didn't want to ask her back out. Once a relationship ends for me it ends, and that untarnished love is gone. I wasn't going to ask her back out, but Sam got mad at me and told me I had to. Under the threat of great bodily harm by a woman not even half my size I gave in and asked her back out. I kept dating her until Prom. It was only a few days after prom that we broke up for good. I didn't have much heart in it the second half, I'm sure it was pretty obvious. We hated each other for awhile, not over our break up much, but she cheated on Wes later in life, who was and is my best friend at the time. I hated her for that. We're back to being friendly to each other. We just don't really talk.

Then there was Sophi. Until recently, she was my basis for what a good relationship was. I had more fun and more love for Sophi than anyone. She was beautiful and wonderful in every way. I met her off myspace. Which is horrible to say, but I also met her off Wes' myspace which is worse to say. He had a crush on her, and had held one for years. Sophi and I hit it off online and I wanted to hang out. The first time we hung out I took Wes, who was also interested in her. I thought she was more interested in him than me at the time, she seemed to pay more attention to him on our hang out. Wes told me he liked her and I tried to take one for the team. I told him to go after her. He did, and she said they had been friends for too long and that ship had long since passed and she told me she liked me. So I went for her. That was a rough spot for me and Wes. He felt like I was trying to compete with him for girls. I really wasn't. I had his best intentions in mind and was fully willing to not date her and let him, but she chose me. We stayed best friends, we just didnt talk about her. Sophi and I dated for a year. It was love and wonderful and great. She started going to the vine church in carbondale and things went downhill. They hated me there without knowing me, mostly just because I didn't go there. They all told her to break up with me, and eventually she did. Saying she wanted a boyfriend who could experience Christ with her. I turned on the self-defense mechanisms and was a dick, trying to shoot holes in her religious views. I think it was the next day I had a show in Herrin and she came. We sat at the merchbooth and I think held hands. It was sad. Afterwards we drove to Blockbuster parking lot and cried together for literally hours, and she said it was a mistake and she wanted me back. We dated again and it lasted until the new year when she went up to visit her friend in Greenville. Theres a christian college there, and she met some guy who she had known longer than me. She said that she had loved him before me, and had loved him during the whole time we were dating, she just didnt think he returned that love, and while she was up there she realized he did. So she came home and told me she was moving to Greenville to be with him. Apparently he talked to alot of girls that way, and held multiple girlfriends. The two of them never worked out. We stayed friends even tho we didnt talk much up until her most recent boyfriend who she had her first child with. They are now engaged. I texted her once to ask her where a trail was in shawnee forest, and the response I got was 'idk who this is but I deleted your number for a reason, please dont text me again'. Close to a year later I apologized to her for whatever I did to anger her in a late night facebook message, more over lack of sleep than actual regret, since I hadn't done anything wrong. She appeared on FB messenger and talked to me for a short while. She said her new boyfriend is the jealous type and has super low self-esteem, so to try and make things work for the baby she can't talk to any of her old boyfriends. She told me that day we couldnt be friends, only acquaintences. I haven't talked to her since.

Then came Chloe, if you can count her. We officially dated for 2 days, both of which she spent in Texas. We dated without a title for a long time. She had a problem where she would sleep with me, and every other male around. On one night she slept with both me and one of my best friends Travis Newton. I've been told that before that she slept with the 2 of us that day, at seperate times obviously, she slept with her ex boyfriend matt. So on the day of the first time I had sex with close, I was number 2 in a 3 man fuckfest going on in her vagina. Somehow we stayed together. It was a reoccuring theme. She'd say we should be friends, then sleep with me and laugh at how bad we were at it. I liked Chloe alot, she was attractive, and by that I mean she looked good naked. I fell hard for her and she lead me on and on. She always tried to have some possessive power over me, and if I would let her, still would. We broke up when Chloe's best friend told me to date a different one of her friends, Taylor. Chloe and I now don't talk. My life is much easier now. She never really gave anything back in the friendship outside of sex. I realize that now. She was also a compulsive liar. 

I dated Taylor just to piss off Chloe. I hoped that it would make her jealous and want me. It was a horrible reason for a relationship. It was short lived, about 3 months. Taylor was a sweet girl, but she couldn't hold an adult conversation. She wanted to be with me every waking moment, which didn't work for me. I was newly moved into a new apartment and I was balancing to try and keep all the things done I needed to have done. I eventually broke up with her when she called me out saying it didnt feel like I was trying to make the relationship work. I wasn't. I was trying to make it crash, and it did, and I got out of it. We were friends for the 2 days she was single before she found a new boyfriend. She's the type who can't be alone. Her new boyfriend I assume was jealous or something. He blocked me from her phone and facebook. She'd text me from her mom's every once in awhile. I haven't talked to her in months.

Rosie is Charles' sister. I met her at his house during band practice. I realized her when she came out with us one day and was talking about her psychology classes and made fun of Jacob. She had a sense of humor, and was intelligent. After Taylor, I craved a girl who I could hold a conversation with. I gave her my number and she texted me one day. I asked her out for dinner and we went. It was a great conversation, about Zombies and things. We drove around until it was time for me to go to work, the conversation just never ended. I got to work and told her I'd like to go back out again soon and do something. She then told me she had a boyfriend, but wanted to still be friends. I said ok. I was fine with that. She was a fun person to be around we could be friends. We kept hanging out and going on dating situations. She eventually fell for me. She said that she and her boyfriend were pretty well broken up and they barely saw each other once a week. She said she felt like he was her brother and didn't feel any real love towards him and wasnt attracted to him. She said that she was going to break up with him, and started referring to me as her boyfriend. I'll spare the pillowtalk of what happened, but she never broke up with him. She eventually was scared off from me because Jon Clapp and Trevor DeGaine were joking talking about satan when she was around, and Ian questioned the bible to her on the way to a show. She said since I had friends like that she couldnt be with me. She's now engaged to her boyfriend she cheated on with me. Last I asked, which was back when she was deciding if she was going to say yes, she still didn't love him, but felt he would raise her children to love God, and felt that was a good enough reason to say yes to him.

Now I'm to Molly. So far, so good; the best of them all. I was in a stage in my life where I was fucking every girl that I could lure into my bed, which was quite a few. I tried to invite her out once for some coffee, but we mutually blew each other off. Every time I would try to ask Molly out to do anything, she would agree but say "just to clarify, this isn't a date" Then randomly one night, Andrew Horton brought her over to my house after a group of us hung out at a comedy show [molly not included]. She sat next to me on the couch and got death stares from Chloe. She was quiet I'm not sure if she even said a word the whole time. I just remember seeing her ourside as everyone was leaving. I had to take Chloe home, and Andrew was taking Molly home. She was standing outside waiting for Andrew to get in the car and was completely freezing. She was so beautiful. I talked to her after that randomly. She was always a challenge. I had to work hard to keep her talking. She would talk and then suddenly in the middle of a conversation stop replying. She was recovering from thyroid surgery. One day I talked to her literally ALL day about a mouse that was loose in her house. Valentines day was coming up, and when I mentioned it she said she'd actually like to have a valentine. I asked her to be mine and she agreed, obviously stated only if it had no implications. She came over to my place to watch movies. I had bought some cheezy kids movies that we both liked, but we didn't pay any attention to them. I got her flowers, but I put them in the fridge for a day, which apparently kills them. So I gave her dead wilted flowers. We talked the entire time until the ghost/demon in my house started acting up. Molly had actually experienced similar things before. So once things started getting out of hand, objects moving around the house, shadow figures darting through the hallway, we left and drove around. We talked for hours. I liked her, a lot. I could talk for days about Molly and I, even tho we've just started dating. We're less than a week shy of our 2 month. I'll just cut it off here saying I'm loving this relationship more than any other in my life, even at their bests. None of them compare to Molly.

No Sleep til Brooklyn

Its a quarter til 6 in the AM. Today is my last day of work this week. Normally I'm super excited. I'm not saying I'm not. I'm nervous as shit. I'm attempting something I've never done before in my life. After working a 10 hour shift, I'm driving 17 hours to Brooklyn.

I'm argueably the worst city driver on Earth. I freak out trying to drive to St. Louis. I'll be passing thru undoubtedly tons of cities to make my way to NYC. Its not something I'm looking forward to. Once I'm there I think I will love my weekend, or what little part I have left of it. I'm going to spend 2 days, Monday and Tuesday, in NYC with Molly. Then Tuesday evening, after being up all day, I start my trip back home.

I have the strangest fears. I have no qualms about running head long into a fight. I can get up in front of people when I play in Geodudes, I'm great at giving speeches. I just fear city driving. I fear the places I've never been.

I'm worried that my car might bite the big one on the way there or back. I'm worried that once I get there I wont be able to find a parking spot. I'm worried that if I dont find a parking spot I'll get towed. I read online that if I do get towed, my parents would have to come up to get the car out of impound because its not registered to me and I dont have the title on me. Strangely enough, I'm not so much worried about wandering the streets of NYC, or possibly getting mugged or lost on foot, or anything like that. I'm worried I'll crash my car.

Part of me would almost rather drive the van. I dont give a fuck if I crash that haha.

Molly's asleep. I think and hope that all will be better once I'm with her. Something about her makes me instantly more brave and calm. When I'm with her talking about the trip I'm excited about it. When I'm talking about it to other people I'm nervous.

I think there is a great chance that I'll completely love New York. It seems like an atmosphere that I could get into on some levels. I just dont want to drive there right now. I wish I could postpone it awhile, even tho I know I would be just as nervous then. Its not a completely irrational fear, but I think I have it at an irrational level. The only thing to do is meet it head on. My dad told me I'm a Minton and I can handle anything. That was back when I was fighting to keep my head above water in Carbondale.

Speaking of which, my parents came down to bring me my taxes that I had to sign. I thought it would be pleasant, Molly was over, mom has wanted to meet her forever. I think she just glared at her and then berated me for going to New York. She told me that I was wasting my time and money going, and that They would never hire me if they saw my facebook. She literally didn't say anything to Molly the whole time, neither did my dad. It was pretty embarassing. I've told Molly how great my family is and how she'd love my mom, but today it was horrible. I felt for the first time like I had a bad family.

I guess its time to shit or get off the pot, as my dad used to say. Its 6am, 1 hour to go. Then the longest car ride of my life.

Did I mention after this, next week its 3 straight days of tour on my days off? FML, I'm far too lazy for this.

Its 5:30 am

I get off work at 7:00 am. I'm so beaten down right now. This is going to be the start of a super busy time for me. I couldn't sleep when I got off last night. [and by last night I mean Friday at 7am] I went home and worked on Molly's birthday present, which is turning out well I think. I got maybe 2 or 3 hours of sleep and woke up to play a show. The show went well, we did ok. Still could have done better. We sold of out CD's and sold all but 1 of our shirts. I did most of the loading and unloading like usual. I also moved most of the gear on and off stage.

I put our merch tub in the van and grab my phone to see worked called me and I had texts from them. They were all saying where are you. So I called, and apparently someone put my day off as Saturday and not Friday. They said it was all fine and whatnot, I'm hoping I dont get written up for it, the LT said he didnt know who's fault it was and seemed to think everything was fine. I guess they even sent the Sheriffs Office out to my house to check and see if I was there. Obviously, I wasn't. The last thing I need before I start testing is to get in trouble for something like that.

Monday I'm getting my leg tattooed, finally finishing up the half sleeve that Adam Harper started on me. I'm going to Karma where I got my first ever tattoo and they are coloring in and shading my lion. This weekend will be my last free weekend for atleast 2. The week after Molly and I are going to New York. I'm getting off work at 7am and starting the drive to Brooklyn NY. It's about 16 hours, and I'm not really looking forward to it. I'll stay there for a couple days and be back before I work Wednesday at 9pm. I'm going to take the NYPD written test and then spend time with Molly around the big apple. Goodbye tons and tons of money. Just getting there and back and the hotel will be about $600. So I'm trying to work as much OT as possible.

The week after that we're going on tour, which I feel will be an epic fail. We're still waiting on confirmation on one of the dates. Its about 900 miles complete trip. As of right now we don't have any merch to sell, and I'm hoping we get enough in gas to make it, because I'm not going to have any to spare. I set the guarantee for us a little low because I always have money to put in for gas, but now I won't. 

After that it will be May. The real start of summer. I always felt like May was the start of summer, I never paid attention to the actual dates of the season changes. I can't wait for warm weather. It has been nice for a few days and I'm hoping it stays that way.

I can almost not sleep anymore if I'm not with Molly. We sleep so well together. All I really want to do is go home and sleep. I'm so bored I'm just blabbering on here hoping to take up some time and make the wait less strenuous. Even when I get home I'm sure I'll feel the urge to work more on her birthday present instead of sleep. Since shes not there to sleep with me, its just not the same.

I'm also considering testing with Las Vegas PD. Even tho I'm going now to test for NYPD, I think I'm going to wait and not test for a little while after that. I hate this place in the winter, but I love it in spring and summer. I think it might be nice to enjoy most of the spring and summer before testing and trying to leave. 

I really want to get out and fish, but I can never find the time. I dont have caleb to just go with me like I did last summer. House works has been overtaking me. I feel like I'm always behind and only spot clean. I have laundry waiting on me, and dished, and the kitchen and bathroom to clean, just like every week before that. I never seems to get done. Charles is looking at getting a car and possibly taking over Caleb's side of the lease. I hope he gets one soon, because that income from Calebs side of the rent would really help me out right now.

I've wasted about a half hour sitting here talking about nothingness. I still have an hour to go, and I've completely ran out of things to do outside of sitting and staring at a wall. I guess thats what I'm going to do.  

rahrahrah

Things in life are going wonderfully, mostly.

The strange thing is, I love life right now. It's at a high that it hasnt been at for a long time. When I stop and actually think about it, it shouldnt be.

Ian quit Geodudes, which means we have to bring in a new bass player who I assume will be Dalton. Which is a hassle in itself just because of how lazy he is. He seems to have stepped it up a little from before, but he is still the laziest person I know. We don't have a ton of shows coming up to look forward to. We're also still struggling to get our April tour finalized even tho its less than a month away. Our May tour is also not booked completely yet, but from what Dane told me, kids in Springfield, IL are already hyping our date up there.

Caleb has all but disappeared from the apartment. Its a stretch to see him there once every couple weeks. He's supposed to be there when I get off work, and I think we're going fishing. It would really be nice to have him back full time. He's talking about getting a job in cdale and living full time with me again, which would be great, but I still think thats all just talk. He's had a year and 3 months to find a job in cdale and never has. The rent isn't killing me, but its hindering me. I work hard and make money, but most all of it goes to utilities and rent. I can't afford a new car, and I can't afford a new phone that has internet on it. I also want to move to New York sometime, and money in the bank to live off of as I move would be great. Especially since I Just had to renew my lease to stay in the dale for however long I'm here. Then with the lease I have, even after I move, I have to pay rent until my landlords find a new tenant to move in. There's no break lease clause in it. So if I could get even close to the $400 a month that's half of rent an utilities per month, I could be saving up for when I have to pay for an apartment in New York and the one in cdale at the same time.

Work is the same as always. Its not really anymore annoying or fun than normal. I've got a good crew on my shift, but not the best. I would trade some out for others ideally, but I have fun most times regardless.

I'm in limbo as to what to do about working out. I can't decide if I want to lift and put on muscle or do insanity and lose fat. I think I'm going to settle down and do both. Lift 3 days a week, do insanity 3 days a week. Hopefully that'll put me in a better place for testing.

Speaking of which, police tests are coming up and idk what to do. I could test for Cdale and possibly pass it. The run would likely still fuck me since I haven't ran since fall. Even tho insanity is all leg work cardio, I'm sure it won't translate completely even tho I feel like my cardio and leg strength is up from where it was in the fall. The problem is if i do test for cdale and make it, then I'm stuck here for 3-5 years. I forget which, but I sign a contract when I start that says I have to stay that long, or they will sue me for my training time and equipment. So that would mean no NYC til I was 25-27 years old, thats a little old to start a new out there I think. Not to mention, Molly wants out of this place as soon as possible, and I think 3-5 years is a little longer than she wants to wait.

Not that I'm moving for her, or anything stupid like that. I just feel if we both want out, and can get out together it would be better going knowing someone than going completely alone.

Speaking of Molly, thats the reason I'm loving life right now. Things are going great. I was nervous at first about being in a real relationship again after not being in one in so long. I thought I had forgotten how to do so many things in a relationship way and not in a no strings way. It's working out well and I think I've knocked the rust off and mostly know what I'm doing now. I can honestly say I think I'm happier and get along better with Molly than I have any girl in the past. I'm not saying we're the perfect couple, or are meant to be. I just think we connect on all the right levels. We have this amazing ability to look at each other with a crazy idea and the other one immediatly thinks its a great plan and then we jump to do it.

Strangely enough I've only had that connection with 1 other person, Wes Romack. Mind you, Molly and I aren't as polished at the art yet as Wes and I are, but we are better than most. There's a distinct difference between "sure" and "this is the best idea ever!" when it comes to a "do you want to..." insert crazy hairbrained idea here moment. Most people land somewhere between "no" and "sure" with only Molly and Wes landing in the "this is the best idea ever!" category.

Strangely enough, Molly and Wes don't get along. I think its mostly because they are far too much alike. Don't get me wrong they are different in big ways, but they have some of the same core personality traits that I think rub each other the wrong way because of how similar they are, even tho I dont think their would admit it.

She gets her first tattoo today, and then is waiting for me at my place for me to get off work at 7am so we can sleep. It feels strange sleeping alone anymore. I sleep so much better with her.